Get Real, Amie

I guess I can scratch 'professional blogger' of my list of potential career choices, seeing as how I haven't posted anything since January. Then again, I haven't had much to write about until recently.

For starters, Adam and I were going to separate. He was going to stay in San Antonio and I was going to take Kimmy back to Arizona where I would go to school and work part time and try to get on my feet and get on with my life. Ironically, after we established this, we began getting along better than we had in probably a whole year. And then even more ironically, Adam received orders to go to South Korea in November. At first he asked me to go with him, I think mostly because he doesn't want to be away from Kimmy for a year and a half. And I do feel sorry for him, having to be away from her so long. But there's a possibility the army won't allow us to accompany him any way. Plus I think that the time away from each other will be good for us.

The plan is to move to the East Valley area around the end of September, early October. I want to rent a nice little house with a yard for Kimmy, and possibly a puppy, to play in. I plan on working part time and putting Kimmy in pre-school before she becomes completely anti-social. She's incredibly bright and intelligent, but she's still very shy around new people and other kids. Also, she needs some friends. I also plan on getting my funeral director's license, like I've been trying to do for five years. It seems like timing is always an issue.

The past few months have seen a lot of personal growth for me. I have really started questioning who I am and what kind of person I'd like to be and what attitude and beliefs are holding me back from my full potential (Dr. Phil would be proud of that last sentence). I realized that I had a lot of anger, resentment, bitterness, and even a little hatred festering in my black little heart. As I grew up and went to school and dreamed of what I'd be, and then all through college, I was excited about life and what I would do with mine. And then my family lost everything. My sister was killed. Everything fell apart. And instead of some Hallmark network movie scene where we all pull together during the terrible tragedy and help heal each other, we all isolated ourselves. Most of us turned to very self destructive behaviors to cope.

Looking back over the last several years, I realized that all that ambition and lust for life I had was completely sapped. I now looked at life as a chore, something to get through, a never ending danse macabre of bullshit.

I've decided for my own sake and that of my daughter, that I'm letting all of that go. All that anger and negativity and pessimism, the self loathing, and the pity parties -- I'm just going to set it all down and move on. I'm going to be more honest and direct, more kind and patient and loving. I'm going to be grateful for what I have and look forward to every day and every opportunity. I'm going to have more faith in myself that I can handle anything that comes my way, and I'm going to do it with a smile on my face.

Oh, and I'm also going to cut off this horrid, burnt straw catastrophe that is my hair

And I think I'll go with a super short, kinda dykie spiky cut and get back to my roots. Then I'll grow it out healthy and bleach free. It's all part of the Get Real, Amie campaign. That, and it takes me too long to get ready in the morning and I'm not really trying to impress anyone with long flowing tresses, so I think it's time to cut it all off and start from scratch. That applies to my hair and myself.